October 15th

www.october15th.com

October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month, and October 15th is a day to remember the little ones lost too soon. Spread the word and raise the awareness!

I will also be gathering and sharing other infant loss support sites/forums soon.

 

Fall has always been my favorite time of year, and I find myself thinking of my Ellabear constantly. I wish she were here with me so that I could share with her my favorite things about the season. Oh, the things we would be doing, the places we would be going... playing in the leaves, pulling her in a wagon through the pumpkin patch at Tuttle's Orchard, dressing her up for her first Halloween... I've been thinking of what I would dress her up as as if she is here. I'll post when I think of a costume that would have been just right. Of course now a little angel outfit comes to mind, but I wonder what I would choose if she were here. Maybe a pumpkin, but that's too cliche' for my taste. Ahhh man, she would be the cutest in any costume. Maybe a bear! A cute little fuzzy bear- my Ellabear! And there it is. She would be a fuzzy wuzzy cuddly bear... and I would just eat her up! : )

Pregnancy/Infant Loss Poems & Quotes

• Can you be a Mother when your baby is not with you? I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked “What makes a mother?” and I know I heard Him say, “A mother has a baby”. This we know is true. “But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?” “Yes you can,” He replied with confidence in His voice. “I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, and others for the day and some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.” “I just don’t understand this God I want my baby to be here.” He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, and then I saw the tear. “I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child’s smile, with all the other children and say…” “We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much but I visit her everyday. When she goes to sleep on her pillows where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear, “mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.” “So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born here in my home and this is where they’ll stay. They’ll wait for you with me until your lessons through. And on the day that you come home they’ll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a mother, It’s the feeling in your heart. It’s the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother until their time is done. They’ll be up here with me one day and know that you are the best one.”

• Precious Little One, We had you in our lives such a very short time, but we’ll hold you in our hearts forever. It seemed like only a fleeting moment, but it was long enough to see you, touch you, hold you, love you. It was long enough to know that your life was indeed a gift- no matter how brief, no matter how fragile, Your life was indeed a gift, and we’ll hold you in our hearts forever.

• "An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".

• As Long As I Live You Will Live, As Long As I Live You Will Be Remembered, As Long As I Live You Will Be Loved...

'Riah

"Not flesh of my flesh Nor bone of my bone, But still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute: you didn’t grow under my heart, but in it." -Fleur Conkling Heyliger

 

 

I want to take some time out to talk/brag about the baby girl that I do have here with me! I met Mariah Lynn Paschal for the first time on New Year's Eve day 2006-2007. We immediately shared a connection, and she has clung to me since. She was about to turn 3 years old when I came into her life. She couldn't say "Lindsay" so my name was "Denny" for a year or so. She is growing up wayyy too fast! She is now 7 1/2, and just started 2nd grade. She is the most loving, caring, compassionate, sincere, sensitive, "old" soul, and I could not love her anymore than I do already. I look at her like she's completely my own, and sometimes I get bummed that she didn't actually come from me! But, she is a product of me in a way, b/c I have helped to raise her these past 5 years, and I am soooo proud to say that I'm lucky enough to continue to be in her life and watch her grow. We are extremely close and affectionate, and if you didn't know the situation, you would probably assume that she is biologically mine. Sometimes when we are out in public, someone will say something like, "Your daughter is so cute!", and I make it a point not to correct them. ; ) Little 'Riah has been through so much in this past year, as well. She was SO excited to be a big sister to baby Ella. She talks about her often, sings about her when she's making up songs, colors pictures for her... she even named one of her new baby dolls "Ella". Having her around has helped me to go on, knowing that she needs me just as much as Ella would have. She is most definitely a Daddy's girl, but looks to me just as much for love, guidance, and protection. We are as close as we could ever be, and I could not ask for a cuter, sweeter child. She is like me in a lot of ways- she'll have me paint her fingernails only to go outside and play in the mud. She's a tomboy at heart, loves hard, is super-sensitive, and even has ridiculously long legs like I do. She looks up to me and always wants to be doing what I'm doing, and I can't even express how blessed I feel to have her in my life. I could go on and on (and there will be lots more about 'Riah to come), but for now I just couldn't wait to mention her. She has my whole heart and is the center of my universe. I love you baby girl!

Ella

There she is. That's my Ella. Ella Inez Paschal. Isn't she beautiful? Isn't she perfect? My angel.

Ella was born on January 24, 2012, and tragically God took her home before she had even taken her first breath. A full-term and otherwise perfectly healthy baby girl, we lost her to placental abruption (for more information on placental abruption, visit BabyCenter.com - Placental Abruption). I had carried her for the majority of 9 months. I took a positive pregnancy test on June 6 (the day before my birthday), and my due date was January 28th. Early on in the pregnancy, my OBGYN had found that I had placenta previa, a condition in which my placenta was too close to and "blocking" my cervix (see more at BabyCenter.com - Placenta Previa). As I was told, worst-case scenario would be that I would have to have a c-section. Thankfully, by the third trimester, it had corrected itself, as it does in many cases, and everything appeared to be going perfectly. Check-ups and sonograms continuously showed signs of a healthy baby girl. At my final Dr.'s appointment before the birthing process began, my Dr. gave me the option to schedule an induction. I liked the idea of knowing exactly when she would finally be here, and we set my induction for the 26th. On January 21 I went to the hospital to find out that I was having very mild contractions and slowly starting to dilate. On the 24, I went back to the hospital. I had been having excruciating pain in my ribs and back that became increasingly worse throughout the day. Upon examination, it was clear that I was in the beginning stages of labor. This was actually happening! I had an epidural, and all things were going smoothly up until I was dilated to about 7cm. I began to hemorrhage (due to my placenta abruptly separating from my uterine wall. Then we lost her heartbeat. I was rushed into an operating room for an emergency c-section, but by the time they pulled her out of my womb, she had passed.

This is barely scratching the surface of the intimate moments and details that I feel compelled to share. Somewhat of an overview, if you will. Some posts may be difficult for some of you to read. Undoubtedly some will be heart wrenching for me to write. I feel as though this is something I need...HAVE to do. I want to share Ella, as well as my own experiences (especially from but not limited to this past year), in a raw, honest, unapologetic manner. As it is only a little over 8 months that she's been gone, I'm still new on this road to healing. Hope you all enjoy sharing in this journey of mine... my life after Ella.